To the Woman Behind Me in the Check Out,
A letter I wrote after a rough night at the grocery store with my boys. Yes, I was “that mom”. I brought my wild boys to the grocery store to get food for dinner. They were rowdy and my son with autism was dis-regulated. As a special needs mom of four I was exhausted and at the end of my rope. This letter is to the woman who witnessed it all.
To: The Woman Behind Me in the Checkout
I know you watched my boys running wild, playing tag and hide & seek between different registers. I know you saw my patience dwindling until I basically gave up parenting them. I know you waited calmly as the cashier called her supervisor to help scan in some discounted pizzas - I saw you waiting and felt bad. I'm sure you saw me on my phone texting and maybe wondered why. I know you saw me struggle.
What you didn't know is that I was texting my husband to start the oven so we could feed the kids quickly - the sooner they eat, the sooner they're in bed - score. You didn't know I spent yet another evening being my autistic sons aide at a class. You didn't see the frustrating phone calls I had earlier that day as I advocated for my sons busing to school. You didn't see the 10 years of cleft appointments and surgeries wearing me down. The sleepless nights as we test out new medication. The thousands of hours of therapy for our 3 autistic kids. You didn't know that I'm a mom of 4 and some days I'm barely functioning.
The time you observed me in line at the grocery store was a mere glimpse into my life. I feel like I need to explain myself, why I was so run down, so.....that parent. You really didn't know anything about me and just saw me struggle.
When you walked up behind me and tapped my shoulder my heart sank. Are you going to comment on my boys wild behaviour or have some snarky remark? Are you going to tell me to get off my phone and parent? Are you going point out a display shelf my boys knocked over as they tackled eachother? In a moment a hundred thoughts can flood your mind.
Your smile was unexpected and took me off guard. Then you handed me a little white envelope. I stared at the handwritten amount for the gift card - $20 - and then looked back up confused. ”Whats this for?”
”Happy Monday” you responded with a reassuring smile. I was overwhelmed. Holding back tears I said something like ”thank you, it's been a difficult monday” and gave you a hug.
You saw me and my boys walk out and not look back. But you didn't see me burst into tears when I finally closed my car door. You didn't hear my sweet boys voice apologies as I sobbed uncontrollably the whole drive home. You didn't get the whole picture.
To the woman behind me in the check out, I want you to know that I appreciate you. I appreciate the kindness you showed me. The world is made better through simple acts of kindness. You gave me the benefit of the doubt and showed compassion when it would have been easy to criticize.
I don't know your story, it could be similar to mine, or it could be far worse. Maybe you've been the rundown mom in the check out. Maybe you know all too well the look of exhaustion and frustration. Or maybe you just saw an opportunity to show love to a fellow human being.
I'm grateful you chose not to judge or scold me. I'm grateful you chose to uplift instead of bring down. I'm glad our paths crossed for that brief moment in time. The world needs more people like you, the woman behind me in the check out.
Much Love